So I cracked.....from my first blog i wrote about how i was letting go of this guy. well i lasted 3 weeks? I deleted him from everything in my life...but he messaged me on facebook a week ago..saying how he felt empty and how sorry he was. I was about to cry when reading it. I deleted the message hoping to forget about it and keep moving on with my life.
His birthday was monday. That day was so hard on me. I kept remembering how it was a year ago. How he and i were happy. I gave him a happy birthday hug and he just loved me and i loved him. Then this year we're not even talking. I cried myself to sleep that night. I was just so wishing i could live that year with him over and over. But i made a decision and knew i was just being a reckless teenage girl with too many emotions.
Then he friend requested me a couple days ago. Tonight i decided to message him. Not friend request but just a message. I told him everything. Im so open to him and it felt right telling him these things. Now im not going back to the way things were. I refuse to let myself go back to that bitterness and i told him that. Maybe this is some kind of closure or what not...i have no idea. I just did what felt right to me. I change my mind a lot! and thats a weakness for me. but this may be a good weakness. i might get hurt again or might not. i dont know but im putting this in God's hands.
well anyways..this was a terrible blog and i am so sorry i put you guys through this but thanks for bearing with me! Ha in a way im kinda surprised ive lasted this long without talking to him...but oh well. I cracked! and we'll see if that was a good or bad thing soon.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
I want...to be part of something big
If you have ever been part of a club, sport, music group, or any activity that has people working to reach a specific goal then you understand that it takes everyone's effort, right? It stinks if your that person that works super hard and wants to reach that goal so badly and there are people in your group that just slack off. I am that person. Now i am not hinting to any group i am in or talking about any person! Im not mad or hateful towards anyone or anything. Plus you readers might not even know what im talking about. So let me just get some things out:)
I work hard and i care alot for the activities i participate in! Even when i want to quit...even when im tired or frustrated, I dont. Sometimes i do back away and dont give 150% but that might be because i was just giving 150% at my last activity. But anyways....im in those activities because i chose to be so i will work hard. I do not understand people that really want to be in a group then do nothing! Why dont they quit? Im really confused about that.
Whenever I'm in this group, i look around and see people who dont even care! they just act like its no big deal. There are some people that do actually care and it stinks that we are the 1% to the 99%. Some days this group just really angers me and i hate it. I wish i was more loving and compassionate but when i really care about something im not going to let things slide past me. I want to be the best and i want to work hard. On those days i want to quit. I know i can quit but what fair is that to the other people that do want to get better...im throwing them under the bus. If they endure the pain then so can I. I see these other clubs that are really good and they work hard all the time and i just think to myself that I am one of them just trapped in this body forced to be in this club cause its in my surroundings. I do love my group though. They are really great people that have other things to do than dedicate their lives to this activity but you have to care a little. Right now i dont see enough people to care. When we have a big event coming up....i know we will do awful cause that is just the way we work.
I guess what im trying to say is....when you want to be part of something big, work for it! Never let things get handed to you. If you want to be a part of something, show that you want to be in it everyday as if you were about to get kicked out or off a team. If you dont like it, then quit!
YOU run your life because you only have one life to live. I choose to live my life to the greatest even if that means i have to hit my head against a wall every day.
I work hard and i care alot for the activities i participate in! Even when i want to quit...even when im tired or frustrated, I dont. Sometimes i do back away and dont give 150% but that might be because i was just giving 150% at my last activity. But anyways....im in those activities because i chose to be so i will work hard. I do not understand people that really want to be in a group then do nothing! Why dont they quit? Im really confused about that.
Whenever I'm in this group, i look around and see people who dont even care! they just act like its no big deal. There are some people that do actually care and it stinks that we are the 1% to the 99%. Some days this group just really angers me and i hate it. I wish i was more loving and compassionate but when i really care about something im not going to let things slide past me. I want to be the best and i want to work hard. On those days i want to quit. I know i can quit but what fair is that to the other people that do want to get better...im throwing them under the bus. If they endure the pain then so can I. I see these other clubs that are really good and they work hard all the time and i just think to myself that I am one of them just trapped in this body forced to be in this club cause its in my surroundings. I do love my group though. They are really great people that have other things to do than dedicate their lives to this activity but you have to care a little. Right now i dont see enough people to care. When we have a big event coming up....i know we will do awful cause that is just the way we work.
I guess what im trying to say is....when you want to be part of something big, work for it! Never let things get handed to you. If you want to be a part of something, show that you want to be in it everyday as if you were about to get kicked out or off a team. If you dont like it, then quit!
YOU run your life because you only have one life to live. I choose to live my life to the greatest even if that means i have to hit my head against a wall every day.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I want...to feel free
I have a lot of secrets.....and i just came up with this idea for this blog because i am actually listening to the song "Secrets" haha. It really does have a great meaning! and it fits perfectly to my life and probably everyone else's life.
Secrets suck.
They really do because you cant tell anyone about them...they are just their to remind you of your dirty past and what you wish you could undo. I know I have too many secrets! I have some that yes I would tell my friends but some that i would take to the grave. I've done things even as a elementary kid that i regret. My secrets have just held me down at times and i dont want that anymore. I want to feel free. I want to be happy about my past.
God knows my secrets though....i cant hid them from Him but its weird cause that is the person that we should really be worried about keeping our secrets from. But even through all the baggage, He really does still love us! and I am very grateful for his endless grace and mercy!
In a way im okay with having baggage because it has shaped me into the person i am today. Im more cautious about things and i really try(but fail sometimes) to watch what i do and what i say. Never feel too bad about your past. Letting it eat you up inside makes the situation worse...be in control of your life and dont let the events of the past rule it. Its okay to be ashamed...i am! but its a good ashamed..i know thats weird to think..but good ashamed can always cause something great to happen in your life..and if you didnt have that baggage before you might have missed out on the great chance.
Secrets are never fun but their there....so we deal with it. We learn and we move on with life.
Secrets suck.
They really do because you cant tell anyone about them...they are just their to remind you of your dirty past and what you wish you could undo. I know I have too many secrets! I have some that yes I would tell my friends but some that i would take to the grave. I've done things even as a elementary kid that i regret. My secrets have just held me down at times and i dont want that anymore. I want to feel free. I want to be happy about my past.
God knows my secrets though....i cant hid them from Him but its weird cause that is the person that we should really be worried about keeping our secrets from. But even through all the baggage, He really does still love us! and I am very grateful for his endless grace and mercy!
In a way im okay with having baggage because it has shaped me into the person i am today. Im more cautious about things and i really try(but fail sometimes) to watch what i do and what i say. Never feel too bad about your past. Letting it eat you up inside makes the situation worse...be in control of your life and dont let the events of the past rule it. Its okay to be ashamed...i am! but its a good ashamed..i know thats weird to think..but good ashamed can always cause something great to happen in your life..and if you didnt have that baggage before you might have missed out on the great chance.
Secrets are never fun but their there....so we deal with it. We learn and we move on with life.
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