So I cracked.....from my first blog i wrote about how i was letting go of this guy. well i lasted 3 weeks? I deleted him from everything in my life...but he messaged me on facebook a week ago..saying how he felt empty and how sorry he was. I was about to cry when reading it. I deleted the message hoping to forget about it and keep moving on with my life.
His birthday was monday. That day was so hard on me. I kept remembering how it was a year ago. How he and i were happy. I gave him a happy birthday hug and he just loved me and i loved him. Then this year we're not even talking. I cried myself to sleep that night. I was just so wishing i could live that year with him over and over. But i made a decision and knew i was just being a reckless teenage girl with too many emotions.
Then he friend requested me a couple days ago. Tonight i decided to message him. Not friend request but just a message. I told him everything. Im so open to him and it felt right telling him these things. Now im not going back to the way things were. I refuse to let myself go back to that bitterness and i told him that. Maybe this is some kind of closure or what not...i have no idea. I just did what felt right to me. I change my mind a lot! and thats a weakness for me. but this may be a good weakness. i might get hurt again or might not. i dont know but im putting this in God's hands.
well anyways..this was a terrible blog and i am so sorry i put you guys through this but thanks for bearing with me! Ha in a way im kinda surprised ive lasted this long without talking to him...but oh well. I cracked! and we'll see if that was a good or bad thing soon.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
I want...to be part of something big
If you have ever been part of a club, sport, music group, or any activity that has people working to reach a specific goal then you understand that it takes everyone's effort, right? It stinks if your that person that works super hard and wants to reach that goal so badly and there are people in your group that just slack off. I am that person. Now i am not hinting to any group i am in or talking about any person! Im not mad or hateful towards anyone or anything. Plus you readers might not even know what im talking about. So let me just get some things out:)
I work hard and i care alot for the activities i participate in! Even when i want to quit...even when im tired or frustrated, I dont. Sometimes i do back away and dont give 150% but that might be because i was just giving 150% at my last activity. But anyways....im in those activities because i chose to be so i will work hard. I do not understand people that really want to be in a group then do nothing! Why dont they quit? Im really confused about that.
Whenever I'm in this group, i look around and see people who dont even care! they just act like its no big deal. There are some people that do actually care and it stinks that we are the 1% to the 99%. Some days this group just really angers me and i hate it. I wish i was more loving and compassionate but when i really care about something im not going to let things slide past me. I want to be the best and i want to work hard. On those days i want to quit. I know i can quit but what fair is that to the other people that do want to get better...im throwing them under the bus. If they endure the pain then so can I. I see these other clubs that are really good and they work hard all the time and i just think to myself that I am one of them just trapped in this body forced to be in this club cause its in my surroundings. I do love my group though. They are really great people that have other things to do than dedicate their lives to this activity but you have to care a little. Right now i dont see enough people to care. When we have a big event coming up....i know we will do awful cause that is just the way we work.
I guess what im trying to say is....when you want to be part of something big, work for it! Never let things get handed to you. If you want to be a part of something, show that you want to be in it everyday as if you were about to get kicked out or off a team. If you dont like it, then quit!
YOU run your life because you only have one life to live. I choose to live my life to the greatest even if that means i have to hit my head against a wall every day.
I work hard and i care alot for the activities i participate in! Even when i want to quit...even when im tired or frustrated, I dont. Sometimes i do back away and dont give 150% but that might be because i was just giving 150% at my last activity. But anyways....im in those activities because i chose to be so i will work hard. I do not understand people that really want to be in a group then do nothing! Why dont they quit? Im really confused about that.
Whenever I'm in this group, i look around and see people who dont even care! they just act like its no big deal. There are some people that do actually care and it stinks that we are the 1% to the 99%. Some days this group just really angers me and i hate it. I wish i was more loving and compassionate but when i really care about something im not going to let things slide past me. I want to be the best and i want to work hard. On those days i want to quit. I know i can quit but what fair is that to the other people that do want to get better...im throwing them under the bus. If they endure the pain then so can I. I see these other clubs that are really good and they work hard all the time and i just think to myself that I am one of them just trapped in this body forced to be in this club cause its in my surroundings. I do love my group though. They are really great people that have other things to do than dedicate their lives to this activity but you have to care a little. Right now i dont see enough people to care. When we have a big event coming up....i know we will do awful cause that is just the way we work.
I guess what im trying to say is....when you want to be part of something big, work for it! Never let things get handed to you. If you want to be a part of something, show that you want to be in it everyday as if you were about to get kicked out or off a team. If you dont like it, then quit!
YOU run your life because you only have one life to live. I choose to live my life to the greatest even if that means i have to hit my head against a wall every day.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
I want...to feel free
I have a lot of secrets.....and i just came up with this idea for this blog because i am actually listening to the song "Secrets" haha. It really does have a great meaning! and it fits perfectly to my life and probably everyone else's life.
Secrets suck.
They really do because you cant tell anyone about them...they are just their to remind you of your dirty past and what you wish you could undo. I know I have too many secrets! I have some that yes I would tell my friends but some that i would take to the grave. I've done things even as a elementary kid that i regret. My secrets have just held me down at times and i dont want that anymore. I want to feel free. I want to be happy about my past.
God knows my secrets though....i cant hid them from Him but its weird cause that is the person that we should really be worried about keeping our secrets from. But even through all the baggage, He really does still love us! and I am very grateful for his endless grace and mercy!
In a way im okay with having baggage because it has shaped me into the person i am today. Im more cautious about things and i really try(but fail sometimes) to watch what i do and what i say. Never feel too bad about your past. Letting it eat you up inside makes the situation worse...be in control of your life and dont let the events of the past rule it. Its okay to be ashamed...i am! but its a good ashamed..i know thats weird to think..but good ashamed can always cause something great to happen in your life..and if you didnt have that baggage before you might have missed out on the great chance.
Secrets are never fun but their there....so we deal with it. We learn and we move on with life.
Secrets suck.
They really do because you cant tell anyone about them...they are just their to remind you of your dirty past and what you wish you could undo. I know I have too many secrets! I have some that yes I would tell my friends but some that i would take to the grave. I've done things even as a elementary kid that i regret. My secrets have just held me down at times and i dont want that anymore. I want to feel free. I want to be happy about my past.
God knows my secrets though....i cant hid them from Him but its weird cause that is the person that we should really be worried about keeping our secrets from. But even through all the baggage, He really does still love us! and I am very grateful for his endless grace and mercy!
In a way im okay with having baggage because it has shaped me into the person i am today. Im more cautious about things and i really try(but fail sometimes) to watch what i do and what i say. Never feel too bad about your past. Letting it eat you up inside makes the situation worse...be in control of your life and dont let the events of the past rule it. Its okay to be ashamed...i am! but its a good ashamed..i know thats weird to think..but good ashamed can always cause something great to happen in your life..and if you didnt have that baggage before you might have missed out on the great chance.
Secrets are never fun but their there....so we deal with it. We learn and we move on with life.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
I want......a fresh start
Im done. Im done waiting. Im done hoping. Im done with him. I have spent the past year and a half waiting and hoping he turns into my prince charming. I seriously thought he was it. The one God has put me with. But i was wrong.....it wasnt the first time.
When i first met him i was head over heels for him. I couldnt stop hoping he would notice me. He did and i was as happy as a pig in mud (my dad's analogy). The first couple months were bliss. I got butterflies...he always made me smile. I thanked God everyday for him.
Then things changed....i noticed everything little thing i hated about him. Nobody else noticed by i did. He never listened to me. He always would hang out with other girls without telling me. He would call me names, tell me i didnt look good in sweats and a t-shirt, tell me i needed to dress up more. He would always want things from me that i didnt want. He would always choose things over me. He would forget everything i said. He never understood me. He drove me insane.
So i broke up with him...told him we needed space. He was upset....said he would change...so i took him back. But things went back to the same. I became an angry person with him. I always was upset. I always yelled at him. I felt bitter. So we broke up again but more serious this time. Then he kissed another chick but didnt tell me that til after we got back together. I forgave him. We got back together. We were happy again.
Then he was preparing to go to college. He wanted to hang out but i was busy with school activities but i tried to hang out with him. So he got upset...and the little things came back. I was angry again. Then i found myself crying because he would always be pushy. I broke up with him before he left for college. I told him that we would be friends and then if we could handle being away from each other then we would continue dating....that didnt work.
I found other guys...that didnt work out. He hung onto me...very sweet of him. But i still was angry....he didnt make me happy...i was content...but not happy. We still continued talking and he started to make me happy. I thought things were going to change in a good way. We talked about starting to date in the summer.
Then one day it changed. He purposefully hurt my feelings. Wanted me to feel bad about myself...because i was honest with him about liking another guy but not as much as him. Then i finally came to my senses and let go. If a guy wanted to hurt my feelings on purpose then he is not a good guy or a prince charming.
There are so many things i havent shared but this is a summary. I just want a fresh start to the year. I dont want to know him as a person, or as a friend, or as anyone. I want him gone. He said he was going to be nicer and be my prince charming but he was all talk and no action. So im here...with a broken heart. Im getting over it though.
I still thank God for him though. but in a different way...i thank God that he has giving me a learning experience. Ive learned that i cant change a boy to be my prince charming, that i should just let God show me my prince charming. I wish this boy a wonderful life, that he finds a girl that loves him just the way he is. There was nothing wrong with him or me....he just didnt fit my expectations and i wasnt going to lower my standards so its goodbye. No more going back.
Its going to be a new year and im ready to make a new mistake :) without him in the picture....
When i first met him i was head over heels for him. I couldnt stop hoping he would notice me. He did and i was as happy as a pig in mud (my dad's analogy). The first couple months were bliss. I got butterflies...he always made me smile. I thanked God everyday for him.
Then things changed....i noticed everything little thing i hated about him. Nobody else noticed by i did. He never listened to me. He always would hang out with other girls without telling me. He would call me names, tell me i didnt look good in sweats and a t-shirt, tell me i needed to dress up more. He would always want things from me that i didnt want. He would always choose things over me. He would forget everything i said. He never understood me. He drove me insane.
So i broke up with him...told him we needed space. He was upset....said he would change...so i took him back. But things went back to the same. I became an angry person with him. I always was upset. I always yelled at him. I felt bitter. So we broke up again but more serious this time. Then he kissed another chick but didnt tell me that til after we got back together. I forgave him. We got back together. We were happy again.
Then he was preparing to go to college. He wanted to hang out but i was busy with school activities but i tried to hang out with him. So he got upset...and the little things came back. I was angry again. Then i found myself crying because he would always be pushy. I broke up with him before he left for college. I told him that we would be friends and then if we could handle being away from each other then we would continue dating....that didnt work.
I found other guys...that didnt work out. He hung onto me...very sweet of him. But i still was angry....he didnt make me happy...i was content...but not happy. We still continued talking and he started to make me happy. I thought things were going to change in a good way. We talked about starting to date in the summer.
Then one day it changed. He purposefully hurt my feelings. Wanted me to feel bad about myself...because i was honest with him about liking another guy but not as much as him. Then i finally came to my senses and let go. If a guy wanted to hurt my feelings on purpose then he is not a good guy or a prince charming.
There are so many things i havent shared but this is a summary. I just want a fresh start to the year. I dont want to know him as a person, or as a friend, or as anyone. I want him gone. He said he was going to be nicer and be my prince charming but he was all talk and no action. So im here...with a broken heart. Im getting over it though.
I still thank God for him though. but in a different way...i thank God that he has giving me a learning experience. Ive learned that i cant change a boy to be my prince charming, that i should just let God show me my prince charming. I wish this boy a wonderful life, that he finds a girl that loves him just the way he is. There was nothing wrong with him or me....he just didnt fit my expectations and i wasnt going to lower my standards so its goodbye. No more going back.
Its going to be a new year and im ready to make a new mistake :) without him in the picture....
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)